START POLICE REPORT: Basically I’m the prodigy kid in high school who is too mature and artistic for his age and doesn’t fit in, yada yada and the rest. However, what I’m about to tell you is the whole and absolute truth about how all of these sugar cubes ended up in the car I’m driving. So here it goes: Doug, or should I call him Mr. Waterbury? No that feels strange. Doug and I first shared each other’s presence… haha I don’t really talk like that. Jesus, wouldn’t that be pretentious. What were your names? It doesn’t matter. Back to Doug.
So we meet after school in room 115 Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays. We get to talk. Really and genuinely talk because he and I are a part of the same energy field. Our thought streams flow together. The guy is a genius. The kids here… it’s like, you know how where you come from, whose sperm and egg combo you mutated from is, obviously, reflected in you? I mean, when I go to parties and these freshmen girls are resting Four Loco cans on their baby bumps to light their cigarettes… I have to wonder. So you can understand why I would be in desperate need for someone to relate to. That’s Doug. Anyway, he and I would just drive around and give each other gifts of contemplation, compassion, and validation. It’s incredible. A release. He’s this dude that a kid can really look up to. I respect the fuck out of this guy. I wish I knew where he went so you could really meet him up close and personal. So every day we meet up, walk to the lot, stop to unlock the gate, he tosses the keys and we start up ol’Greenie. This green boat here. Every time. Because fuck all the other cars. Polluters. Anyway, so we drive around. To the park, to the 7-11, from Denny’s, to Wal-Mart. Parallel park, Nietzsche, three-point turn, Rumi, right-of-way, Manet. Shakespeare. And then we’d stop at these places and he’ll go in and just buy coffee and come out. Even if he had coffee already. Seriously, once we had eight full cups of coffee in here. Just because he wanted to see if I could stop without spilling them. He gets a cup for me and a cup for him and he pops like three sugar cubes in his. I like mine black. At first I figured the guy just really liked sugar cubes, and then I start hearing rumors at school about how the new driver’s ed. teacher is a drug dealer. Kids start getting bored so they try and spice things up a bit by throwing out some negativity. Thing is, negativity feeds on negativity. Boredom from this puritanical bull shit leads to a craving, a sick desperation for sin. Anyway, it’s pathetic and I don’t buy it. For quite a while. A little bit ago, I think it was Monday… doesn’t matter. Like a week ago. Recently. Whatever. So we’re driving around, bullshitting and all the rest, and Doug has me stop at his house so he can retrieve some forgotten item. Only I found out later that it wasn’t his house. He goes in and comes out a while later with three boxes of sugar cubes. When he gets back in the car, he looks at me and asks if he can trust me. And I tell him yes because he totally can because we respect each other. Guy looks at the sugar cubes and goes, “These sugar cubes are blotted with some of the purest dose you can find on this beautiful planet we call Earth.” In case you weren’t completely aware of modern-day drug lingo, “dose” is LSD. Lysergic acid diethylamide. Yellow sunshine. Acid. Well fuck. Here I am put in this position where I’m dealing with some tripped out drug dealer who is also my close friend. What do I do? I keep my mouth shut because I’m loyal and I respect him. You’ll probably say I shouldn’t have done that but you’re brainwashed by the same puritan shit too so, that’s too bad for you. Anyway, it sucks that the kids at school were right about something for once, but that’s the way it is. I went on as if I had never known. And then I got curious. So I asked him for a cube after the lesson before this one so that I could take it on Wednesday. Today. Yes, I am on acid right now but that’s not the point. So I’m feeling wonderful for a while, and right before I get in the car I reach for the doorknob and it turns into a pussy. I shit you not. And then the whole car just throws out these vibes and I just love it. We’re floating above the road, looking down at snakeskin. We’re riding a giant snake. Trees are growing and dancing and shit’s crazy. And while Doug and I are skipping and hopping and grooving to each other’s thoughts, this building is getting all ninja training preparation to sneak attack us because it doesn’t like positive energy. It’s a cold, lifeless, drone of a building and it was jealous. So here were are. Me lying here on this beautiful carpet of fresh grass telling you a heartfelt story of friendship next to Ol’Greenie here, except now she looks like part of a contemporary artist’s installation piece. I’m guessing Doug ran off somewhere because he knew you would show up. And… that’s all she wrote. END POLICE REPORT. Signed, P.O. Perkins: Suspect’s record revealed five felonies, all drug related. Students who were questioned identified suspect and confirmed convictions of possession and distribution of LSD. After further investigation, no such record of a driver’s education teacher by the name of “Doug Waterbury” was found. Suspect charged with obstruction of service, and the possession and distribution of an illegal substance. -Karina Von Voigt